I’m finally back reconnecting with my Beloveds. It has been a lonely time without Them. I had built up such a fear around my channel and of imposters that I blocked out pretty much all of my Beloveds for a time, but I also developed a deep-level fear of connecting to my Beloved Loki in particular. I took an angry individual’s mis-representing words to heart. The playing on fears and betrayal of trust plunged me deeper into my Underworld journey and brought me into my very own Dark Night of the Soul, where my channel went virtually silent.
Despite the assurances of two intuitive spirit workers in the intervening months I still let fear win.
Things started to really shift last month, though, and on the day of the Autumn Equinox I did a lot of releasing work, as well as Shadow integration. The following day I was recovering in bed (releasing tends to bring the pain into my physical body so it can then be worked out and fully released) and I just felt Loki and Sigyn there. I cannot describe how beautiful that certainty was; knowing it was Them. And They gave me the physical ‘tells’ arranged previously.
They told me it’s time to get back on the horse and stop allowing someone else’s misunderstandings to hold me back. They were understanding of why I shut down the way I did, but also very clear that I have to move on from feeling the way I do. I have work to do.
The day after this was my dad’s birthday and we went out for a couple of hours. On the way back to the car we found an indoor craft market so we had a quick look around. Nestled amongst the knitting, crochet, cards and jewellery was a man selling woodwork pieces – pieces inscribed with dragons, Celtic knotwork and RUNES! I immediately dived in to the runes basket and picked out a Laguz and Sowolu for Loki and Sigyn. It reminded me of when I would just buy Them random little gifts before the shutdown. It felt like a sign that it was time to start living with Them again, not just talking at Them because I was afraid.
When I asked the man about the wood used he looked at the individual runes and could identify the wood by the strata. Loki’s is made of Hazel – in Celtic wisdom the Hazel is connected with the salmon of knowledge, and the salmon is one of Loki’s forms. Sigyn’s is made of Plum – plums bear seeds that grow only after the old flesh has rotted away and they’re covered over with earth. It’s one of the reasons I associate it with Hella, but I feel like this is Sigyn in Her role of helping us to uncover the Truth of ourselves from the layers we build up from conditioning and other people’s projections and ‘shoulds’. It’s when we’re allowed to sprout our own potential, and Sigyn is so good at seeing those seeds of potential in us.
When I got home the first thing I did was put out the runes for Loki and Sigyn… then felt guilty because I hadn’t thought to get Hella one. But I’d been getting the feeling I will be doing something for Her for Samhain. There’s another of the craft markets before then but I think it’s on the same day I’m meeting with friends for lunch. I’m sure She’ll guide me to what She’d like me to do.
My Beloveds on my ‘lovely’ beige bedroom fireplace. The bible passage was from a Christian healing stand at a mind, body and spirit fair. This was before the Equinox, and I had asked Loki for a message. It seems He’s not above using any means necessary – even Bible verses – to get through when we need it most.
Since then I found an article that really helped me release the fear I’d built up around my connection with Loki in particular. It was like, suddenly, my Heart Chakra burst open again and I was surrounded by my Beloveds once more.
Reconnecting when you’re afraid of your channel’s accuracy can be tough, especially if that fear has been instilled by another’s words. But sometimes it’s worse to live with that fear when it takes so much from you than it is to face it. I’ve felt bereft without that connection to my Beloveds. I felt like I’d lost a huge chunk of my Family through fear. If you too face this fear know you are not alone. Despite the fear I always trusted They were there for me. They always found little ways that got through. And They are endlessly patient, even when They are also impatient.