The things that show progress – facing fears and reconnecting

I’m finally back reconnecting with my Beloveds. It has been a lonely time without Them. I had built up such a fear around my channel and of imposters that I blocked out pretty much all of my Beloveds for a time, but I also developed a deep-level fear of connecting to my Beloved Loki in particular. I took an angry individual’s mis-representing words to heart. The playing on fears and betrayal of trust plunged me deeper into my Underworld journey and brought me into my very own Dark Night of the Soul, where my channel went virtually silent.
Despite the assurances of two intuitive spirit workers in the intervening months I still let fear win.

Things started to really shift last month, though, and on the day of the Autumn Equinox I did a lot of releasing work, as well as Shadow integration. The following day I was recovering in bed (releasing tends to bring the pain into my physical body so it can then be worked out and fully released) and I just felt Loki and Sigyn there. I cannot describe how beautiful that certainty was; knowing it was Them. And They gave me the physical ‘tells’ arranged previously.

They told me it’s time to get back on the horse and stop allowing someone else’s misunderstandings to hold me back. They were understanding of why I shut down the way I did, but also very clear that I have to move on from feeling the way I do. I have work to do.

The day after this was my dad’s birthday and we went out for a couple of hours. On the way back to the car we found an indoor craft market so we had a quick look around. Nestled amongst the knitting, crochet, cards and jewellery was a man selling woodwork pieces – pieces inscribed with dragons, Celtic knotwork and RUNES! I immediately dived in to the runes basket and picked out a Laguz and Sowolu for Loki and Sigyn. It reminded me of when I would just buy Them random little gifts before the shutdown. It felt like a sign that it was time to start living with Them again, not just talking at Them because I was afraid.
When I asked the man about the wood used he looked at the individual runes and could identify the wood by the strata. Loki’s is made of Hazel – in Celtic wisdom the Hazel is connected with the salmon of knowledge, and the salmon is one of Loki’s forms. Sigyn’s is made of Plum – plums bear seeds that grow only after the old flesh has rotted away and they’re covered over with earth. It’s one of the reasons I associate it with Hella, but I feel like this is Sigyn in Her role of helping us to uncover the Truth of ourselves from the layers we build up from conditioning and other people’s projections and ‘shoulds’. It’s when we’re allowed to sprout our own potential, and Sigyn is so good at seeing those seeds of potential in us.

When I got home the first thing I did was put out the runes for Loki and Sigyn… then felt guilty because I hadn’t thought to get Hella one. But I’d been getting the feeling I will be doing something for Her for Samhain. There’s another of the craft markets before then but I think it’s on the same day I’m meeting with friends for lunch. I’m sure She’ll guide me to what She’d like me to do.

My Beloveds on my ‘lovely’ beige bedroom fireplace. The bible passage was from a Christian healing stand at a mind, body and spirit fair. This was before the Equinox, and I had asked Loki for a message. It seems He’s not above using any means necessary – even Bible verses – to get through when we need it most.

Since then I found an article that really helped me release the fear I’d built up around my connection with Loki in particular. It was like, suddenly, my Heart Chakra burst open again and I was surrounded by my Beloveds once more. 

Reconnecting when you’re afraid of your channel’s accuracy can be tough, especially if that fear has been instilled by another’s words. But sometimes it’s worse to live with that fear when it takes so much from you than it is to face it. I’ve felt bereft without that connection to my Beloveds. I felt like I’d lost a huge chunk of my Family through fear. If you too face this fear know you are not alone. Despite the fear I always trusted They were there for me. They always found little ways that got through. And They are endlessly patient, even when They are also impatient.

Have hope.

Advertisements

Ammit the Devourer

the_weighing_of_the_heart_by_michellecelebrielle - Copy

Sometimes I feed my worries, negativity and confidence issues to Ammit. She seems to deem them a suitable enough offering and consumes them for me. She is usually friendly; there is a familiarity between us. She told me not so long ago that a lot of people don’t approach her through fear, or they don’t deem her approachable or worthy of worship.
Ammit deserves to be honoured, and has a place in the modern world. She is the ‘sin-eater’ for the modern generation. She will devour the fear, negativity and loathing we keep in our hearts, just as she devoured the hearts deemed unworthy in Ancient Egypt. All our issues of self-esteem can build up, all those knock-backs and self-doubts chip away at who we are. She will take them into her.
In giving our negativity and the fear we harbour to Ammit our own hearts can be somewhat lightened, and we incorporate her into our lives in a positive, proactive way. Then we have no reason to fear her, but to embrace, honour and love her. Ammit is our ally.

Is Loki Still Bound?

My theory suggests both yes and no. Humans have created linear time; it helps us keep things in order and it’s easier to wrap our heads around. However, time itself isn’t linear. Time is a series of cycles and can twist back and around on itself. It is like the lemniscate (the 8 having a lie-down).
Think of Doctor Who and how he travels around in the TARDIS. He isn’t constrained by Earth’s linear time and can crop up anywhere. His companions, on the other hand, experience linear time because they live in a fixed timeline on Earth. This doesn’t mean that the Doctor can’t go back or forwards in his own timeline to see them again, though. For fans of the show ‘timey wimey’ sums it up nicely. Time is linear to us because we live through it as thus; the planet is our fixed point. The Deities, who aren’t restricted to a human lifespan, physical body, or Earth timeline, will experience time differently.
In our linear lifetime Loki may be bound or free many times. He may be pals with Odin, or Asgard’s ‘public enemy number one’. He may be with Angerboda, or Sigyn, or on his own. Our lives may be linear, but Theirs are not.
Imagine we live only in 2D and They live in 3D. If you take a piece of paper it is flat and thus linear. If you make a cube from it it’s no longer linear; where does it end and where does it begin? This is where the lemniscate (the ‘lazy 8’), or the ouroboros, come in. They are perfect representations of this.
So for those of you who wonder if Loki is ‘still’ bound, perhaps right now in this linear-time moment he hasn’t even been bound yet. Some further food for thought: going by the same theory, Asgard is whole and fallen, and Ragnarok is impending and over.

We are all candles.

While melting down bits of my old soy candles it struck me that this was a process I am going through too.

Sometimes we are scraped out of our comfortable or worn out containers, and thrown into the melting pot. There we simmer away until all the old parts resemble some congealed kind of mess – the soup of chaos, out primordial state. We are poured into our new container, a fresh wick placed within our Being. We wait, our new mass solidifying, settling. Again we wait… this time for the match, the spark that will ignite our Being and release our new Self, our new purpose, out into the world.

A candle may be snuffed out, but it can also be remade. Only when there is no more wax left has our purpose on this earth been fulfilled.

One Year On

  One year on, and while my physical health has fluctuated my love for the Old Ones has only grown. Sometimes when life forces you to take a step back it can be an opportunity to change focus. My research has come on in leaps and bounds, yet it seems that every time I find a connection to one of Them several more lines of enquiry follow; and so it continues. They are nebulous, and I find that fascinating.
My devotional work has also increased, and thanks to the help and information of others I am finding ever new ways to connect – Thank you. Finding ways to honour Them in my daily activities has become something of a personal mission. Something as seemingly simple as tidying and cleaning the home can honour the Goddesses of the homestead. Likewise, when writing poems I am connecting to the same energies as the Mead of Poetry, and thus to Kvasir and Odin, as well as Bragi. Even little things like letting the ladybirds hibernate down the inside of my windows connects to Freyja.

As you may have gathered from my posts so far, Loki and his family are prominent figures in my devotional life. Anyone who works with Loki knows that he can teach you lessons, and sometimes he does it the hard way. He can be like the wildfire that burns down anything in its path, yet there is always new life that springs from those ashes. I’ve learned a certain amount of resilience these last 12 months, and continue to learn more about myself in the process. Through it all my belief in Them kept me going, even when I was merely going through the motions because the connection was lost. Eventually the connections rebuilt. Please don’t give up if you find yourself in a similar situation.

So what does 2016 hold? I have several creative projects in the pipeline, and an ever-growing list of research books to pour through. I’ll also be moving house at some point, moving to a different area of our beautiful county, so that in itself will be an adventure.
One way or another 2016 will be a productive year, and I’ll continue my devotional work and watch it evolve.

I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you who has supported me in various ways. May the Old Ones hold you close to Their hearts.

Thoughts on Polytheism, Roots and Living History

Growing up in the UK I have been blessed with a strong cultural identity that is rooted in its past, and is the product of hundreds, if not thousands of years of evolution. Admittedly our modern culture differs significantly from that of our ancestors, but we are still products of that history.
Continue reading

Samhain: Darkness, Light and Remembrance

This morning I dreamed I caused a solar eclipse purely by willing it. It seems an appropriate symbol for Samhain – the nights are growing darker quicker, and daylight hours are becoming shorter and ever more precious.
In Norse mythology the wolves Hati and Skol consumed the sun and moon, leaving the worlds in darkness. There are times when we all stumble in the dark, times when we feel our light ahead is blocked off by some unknown force; nothing seems to go to plan.         Continue reading