I’m finally back reconnecting with my Beloveds. It has been a lonely time without Them. I took someone’s mis-representing words to heart. It plunged me deeper into my Underworld journey and brought me into my Dark Night of the Soul, where my channel went virtually silent.
Despite the assurances of two spirit workers concerning my connection (with Loki in particular) in the intervening months, I still let fear win.
Things started to really shift last month, though, and on the day of the Autumn Equinox I did a lot of releasing work, as well as Shadow integration. The following day I was recovering in bed (releasing tends to bring the pain into my physical body so it can then be worked out and fully released) and I just felt Loki and Sigyn there. I cannot describe how beautiful that certainty was; knowing it was Them.
They told me it’s time to get back on the horse and stop allowing someone else’s misunderstandings to hold me back. They were understanding of why I shut down the way I did, but also very clear that I have to move on from feeling the way I do. I have work to do.
Sometimes I feed my worries, negativity and confidence issues to Ammit. She seems to deem them a suitable enough offering and consumes them for me. She is usually friendly; there is a familiarity between us. She told me not so long ago that a lot of people don’t approach her through fear, or they don’t deem her approachable or worthy of worship.
Ammit deserves to be honoured, and has a place in the modern world. She is the ‘sin-eater’ for the modern generation. She will devour the fear, negativity and loathing we keep in our hearts, just as she devoured the hearts deemed unworthy in Ancient Egypt. All our issues of self-esteem can build up, all those knock-backs and self-doubts chip away at who we are. She will take them into her.
In giving our negativity and the fear we harbour to Ammit our own hearts can be somewhat lightened, and we incorporate her into our lives in a positive, proactive way. Then we have no reason to fear her, but to embrace, honour and love her. Ammit is our ally.
My theory suggests both yes and no. Humans have created linear time; it helps us keep things in order and it’s easier to wrap our heads around. However, time itself isn’t linear. Time is a series of cycles and can twist back and around on itself. It is like the lemniscate (the 8 having a lie-down).
Think of Doctor Who and how he travels around in the TARDIS. He isn’t constrained by Earth’s linear time and can crop up anywhere. His companions, on the other hand, experience linear time because they live in a fixed timeline on Earth. This doesn’t mean that the Doctor can’t go back or forwards in his own timeline to see them again, though. For fans of the show ‘timey wimey’ sums it up nicely. Time is linear to us because we live through it as thus; the planet is our fixed point. The Deities, who aren’t restricted to a human lifespan, physical body, or Earth timeline, will experience time differently.
In our linear lifetime Loki may be bound or free many times. He may be pals with Odin, or Asgard’s ‘public enemy number one’. He may be with Angerboda, or Sigyn, or on his own. Our lives may be linear, but Theirs are not.
Imagine we live only in 2D and They live in 3D. If you take a piece of paper it is flat and thus linear. If you make a cube from it it’s no longer linear; where does it end and where does it begin? This is where the lemniscate (the ‘lazy 8’), or the ouroboros, come in. They are perfect representations of this.
So for those of you who wonder if Loki is ‘still’ bound, perhaps right now in this linear-time moment he hasn’t even been bound yet. Some further food for thought: going by the same theory, Asgard is whole and fallen, and Ragnarok is impending and over.
While melting down bits of my old soy candles it struck me that this was a process I am going through too.
Sometimes we are scraped out of our comfortable or worn out containers, and thrown into the melting pot. There we simmer away until all the old parts resemble some congealed kind of mess – the soup of chaos, out primordial state. We are poured into our new container, a fresh wick placed within our Being. We wait, our new mass solidifying, settling. Again we wait… this time for the match, the spark that will ignite our Being and release our new Self, our new purpose, out into the world.
A candle may be snuffed out, but it can also be remade. Only when there is no more wax left has our purpose on this earth been fulfilled.
One year on, and while my physical health has fluctuated my love for the Old Ones has only grown. Sometimes when life forces you to take a step back it can be an opportunity to change focus. My research has come on in leaps and bounds, yet it seems that every time I find a connection to one of Them several more lines of enquiry follow; and so it continues. They are nebulous, and I find that fascinating.
My devotional work has also increased, and thanks to the help and information of others I am finding ever new ways to connect – Thank you. Finding ways to honour Them in my daily activities has become something of a personal mission. Something as seemingly simple as tidying and cleaning the home can honour the Goddesses of the homestead. Likewise, when writing poems I am connecting to the same energies as the Mead of Poetry, and thus to Kvasir and Odin, as well as Bragi. Even little things like letting the ladybirds hibernate down the inside of my windows connects to Freyja.
As you may have gathered from my posts so far, Loki and his family are prominent figures in my devotional life. Anyone who works with Loki knows that he can teach you lessons, and sometimes he does it the hard way. He can be like the wildfire that burns down anything in its path, yet there is always new life that springs from those ashes. I’ve learned a certain amount of resilience these last 12 months, and continue to learn more about myself in the process. Through it all my belief in Them kept me going, even when I was merely going through the motions because the connection was lost. Eventually the connections rebuilt. Please don’t give up if you find yourself in a similar situation.
So what does 2016 hold? I have several creative projects in the pipeline, and an ever-growing list of research books to pour through. I’ll also be moving house at some point, moving to a different area of our beautiful county, so that in itself will be an adventure.
One way or another 2016 will be a productive year, and I’ll continue my devotional work and watch it evolve.
I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you who has supported me in various ways. May the Old Ones hold you close to Their hearts.
Growing up in the UK I have been blessed with a strong cultural identity that is rooted in its past, and is the product of hundreds, if not thousands of years of evolution. Admittedly our modern culture differs significantly from that of our ancestors, but we are still products of that history.
This morning I dreamed I caused a solar eclipse purely by willing it. It seems an appropriate symbol for Samhain – the nights are growing darker quicker, and daylight hours are becoming shorter and ever more precious.
In Norse mythology the wolves Hati and Skol consumed the sun and moon, leaving the worlds in darkness. There are times when we all stumble in the dark, times when we feel our light ahead is blocked off by some unknown force; nothing seems to go to plan. Continue reading
My Susan Seddon Boulet calendar Goddess for July is Hella. I find this appropriate because I’ve felt an increasingly strong connection to her over the last month. I associate her not only with the Underworld and literal death, but the shedding of old ideas, thought patterns and things that no longer serve us or are relevant. Since she takes into her Halls those who, among others, die of sickness I also associate her with the unpredictable nature of illness.
I read a very thought-provoking post which in turn was a response to a post by a well known author on Polytheism. I think the whole issue really needs to be discussed. Perhaps it’s because of my British sensibilities, but to me there is no need for animal sacrifice.
I don’t believe in just one God, I believe in many Beings; Gods, Goddesses, Spirits, Elementals, Angels, even the planets and the universe itself have consciousness to me. In a world where logic and cold hard facts rule it can, at times, seem a lonely place. Fill that world instead with respect for all things, see the food we grow, the planet we live on and the expressions of life as living, ‘breathing’ beings and everything takes on another dimension. You are no longer alone as every inch is filled with life.