The things that show progress – facing fears and reconnecting

I’m finally back reconnecting with my Beloveds. It has been a lonely time without Them. I had built up such a fear around my channel and of imposters that I blocked out pretty much all of my Beloveds for a time, but I also developed a deep-level fear of connecting to my Beloved Loki in particular. I took an angry individual’s mis-representing words to heart. The playing on fears and betrayal of trust plunged me deeper into my Underworld journey and brought me into my very own Dark Night of the Soul, where my channel went virtually silent.
Despite the assurances of two intuitive spirit workers in the intervening months I still let fear win.

Things started to really shift last month, though, and on the day of the Autumn Equinox I did a lot of releasing work, as well as Shadow integration. The following day I was recovering in bed (releasing tends to bring the pain into my physical body so it can then be worked out and fully released) and I just felt Loki and Sigyn there. I cannot describe how beautiful that certainty was; knowing it was Them. And They gave me the physical ‘tells’ arranged previously.

They told me it’s time to get back on the horse and stop allowing someone else’s misunderstandings to hold me back. They were understanding of why I shut down the way I did, but also very clear that I have to move on from feeling the way I do. I have work to do.

The day after this was my dad’s birthday and we went out for a couple of hours. On the way back to the car we found an indoor craft market so we had a quick look around. Nestled amongst the knitting, crochet, cards and jewellery was a man selling woodwork pieces – pieces inscribed with dragons, Celtic knotwork and RUNES! I immediately dived in to the runes basket and picked out a Laguz and Sowolu for Loki and Sigyn. It reminded me of when I would just buy Them random little gifts before the shutdown. It felt like a sign that it was time to start living with Them again, not just talking at Them because I was afraid.
When I asked the man about the wood used he looked at the individual runes and could identify the wood by the strata. Loki’s is made of Hazel – in Celtic wisdom the Hazel is connected with the salmon of knowledge, and the salmon is one of Loki’s forms. Sigyn’s is made of Plum – plums bear seeds that grow only after the old flesh has rotted away and they’re covered over with earth. It’s one of the reasons I associate it with Hella, but I feel like this is Sigyn in Her role of helping us to uncover the Truth of ourselves from the layers we build up from conditioning and other people’s projections and ‘shoulds’. It’s when we’re allowed to sprout our own potential, and Sigyn is so good at seeing those seeds of potential in us.

When I got home the first thing I did was put out the runes for Loki and Sigyn… then felt guilty because I hadn’t thought to get Hella one. But I’d been getting the feeling I will be doing something for Her for Samhain. There’s another of the craft markets before then but I think it’s on the same day I’m meeting with friends for lunch. I’m sure She’ll guide me to what She’d like me to do.

My Beloveds on my ‘lovely’ beige bedroom fireplace. The bible passage was from a Christian healing stand at a mind, body and spirit fair. This was before the Equinox, and I had asked Loki for a message. It seems He’s not above using any means necessary – even Bible verses – to get through when we need it most.

Since then I found an article that really helped me release the fear I’d built up around my connection with Loki in particular. It was like, suddenly, my Heart Chakra burst open again and I was surrounded by my Beloveds once more. 

Reconnecting when you’re afraid of your channel’s accuracy can be tough, especially if that fear has been instilled by another’s words. But sometimes it’s worse to live with that fear when it takes so much from you than it is to face it. I’ve felt bereft without that connection to my Beloveds. I felt like I’d lost a huge chunk of my Family through fear. If you too face this fear know you are not alone. Despite the fear I always trusted They were there for me. They always found little ways that got through. And They are endlessly patient, even when They are also impatient.

Have hope.

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Love your Gods your way

If you have your own connection to your Deities and Inspirers, trust it. Your work with your Deities is just that – your work, your connection.

Love Them quietly. Love Them loud and proud. Love Them in little ways. Love Them in big ways. Love Them for Their distance. Love Them for Their closeness. All that matters is you love Them, you connect with Them, you honour Them in your own way. 

Reclaiming my inner Witch, & exploring Magical Herbalism

 Even back in childhood I loved reading about witches and magic. A number of years ago I started researching the witch trials and Medieval magic, but most of it was so far removed from the forest and nature that I put it aside. That longing for connection remained, however, and it became a part of my spirituality. It’s why she doesn’t show much on the surface, but dig a little deeper and my Witchy nature is there. She called to me in February, but other things took over. I had a dream at the beginning of June where I discovered a powerful Witch in a tomb, and when I looked at her face she was me. I am rediscovering this part of me.
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Musings on the Goddesses of the Jotnar, Angerboda and Iron Wood Magic

Despite the more obvious practices of Seidhr, spells, enchantments, divination and shapeshifting, there is another powerful magic in the Iron Wood: the women Themselves.

The women are the fiercer, more powerful sex among the Jotnar – think of Angerboda and Skadi, of Groa and Gerda. But this strength isn’t just physical, and nor is it purely ‘magical’. Their true power lies in Their personal power, Their Sovreignty, Their sacred expression of Their Selves. They are empowered women, the ones who stand up for Their needs and desires, standing Their ground, asserting Their boundaries.

To the writers of the time these powerful, self-assured women must have been seen as a real threat to the ‘way of the world’. These are independent Goddesses who know Their needs and magics and are respected for it. How much of the ‘terrible and terrifying’ description of Them is really true, and how much is the filter of the writer?

While these amazingly strong Goddesses can be fierce and awe-inspiring, is there a chance They have been somewhat misrepresented? How much of Their true nature has been rewritten or lost? Just as Sigyn is reduced to the long-suffering wife of Loki in the Eddas, with the gift of her magic as galdr fetter hinted at in one epithet, how much of the Jotnar and Iron Wood has been lost?

In being drawn back to the ways of nature, the Earth and the crystal, plant and animal kingdoms I feel  my inner ‘wild woman’ calling. This is part of me I have been too afraid to claim, but now I’m tentatively curious. Whereas Angerboda used to terrify me I can now be in Her presence with a great deal of respect for Her power. I know She values physical strength, but She also values strength of will and heart.
Beside Her more obvious Iron Wood connections, to me She is a Goddess of empowerment. Part of Her gift is bringing us into our own power. While this manifests differently in each of us – due to different personalities, abilities and paths to follow – She is the embodied Powerful Feminine.
Although Hers can be a tough love, She does love… and fiercely. She is loyal and true to Her Self and to those She loves. She doesn’t suffer fools gladly.